dear
Of course, it’s hard to explain what goes on in my head — and the degree to which my suicidal thoughts have affected me. There is a tape in my brain that plays on repeat and said tape tells me I’m stupid. I’m dumb. I’m worthless. No one loves me. No one cares. It tells me to stop fighting. Stop trying. Give up and give in. And it constantly berates me and puts me down.
I want to run. Escape. Disappear.
But my ideations are more than idle words. There is more to them than negative self-talk. In those moments, I imagine what the world would be like without me. I fantasize about a place and space in which I do not exist. I sometimes consider the possible ways I could end my life.
did u know? its not important but i just wanna tell that, the only reason i decide to wake up in every morning is because my responsibility to other. not to my self. i live for other. i forcefully wakeup and put a smily face and those sanguinism masking to everyone in this home to make they see taht everything is okay, how i cope everyday with my insecurities is because i want to make kiki think that he is not alone, he could get any access for his better life in the future, he could know his purpose and try to catch it. he know that he has big potentials.
i will die with calm soul if i could see in the future mama and bapa will have a good life till the end, kiki has good achievement in things he likes, rani which is my best friend, could get everything she want, at least token listrik rumah gw udah keisi saldo minimal 2 juta. after these done, i will bravely wanna go out. seriously man im not having any good skills and stuff, someone pls kill me but pls gie my family best life. dear god if u really exist, would you mind if u change me with good life of my family? i die, then my family have a good life for long time. would you?
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